Mirror

On my way to work one morning last week I was fuming about some family things and these words from a song I wasn’t really paying attention to came across loud and clear:

Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd be.

I was stunned.  If I would’ve been walking, I would’ve stopped in my tracks.  Rather I was driving, so I did pull my foot off the gas pedal for a second as those words sunk in… Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd be… 

And I thought to myself, “when I was a young girl, this is not the person I envisioned myself being!”

Sure, life’s circumstances are WAY different than I had planned, but regardless of what this life has thrown my way I realized that my younger self would be totally disappointed in how I was behaving.  My internal frustrations weren’t turned into outward acts of violence, but my thoughts—which God clearly knows—were unkind.  Growing up I always thought of myself as a kind person.  To say the least, I was disappointed in myself. 

                                                                                                                  

I later looked up that song (Matthew West - Mended) and listened to the whole thing.  I was left shaking my head in wonder of our awesome God.  I was not listening to the music coming from my car’s speakers that morning, but He opened my ears to hear the one part of that song that I needed to hear.  God does speak to us.  He will sometimes use what is right in front of our eyes (or ears) to send us a message.  Those words were exactly what I needed to hear to get me out of my funk.  No, life is not perfect.  My husband is not perfect; I’m not perfect; we don’t have a perfect marriage; I don’t have perfect stepkids.  But I can rely on a PERFECT GOD to carry me through life’s unexpected circumstances and I can choose joy within them. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  {James 1:2-4 NIV}

I think it would do us all good to look at ourselves in a virtual mirror and think about what our younger self would think about how we were responding to our daily circumstances.  My reflection wasn’t so pretty, but now that I’ve seen that image I’m working on improving it! 

Love & Hugs,

MK

A Beautiful Reminder

Yesterday we got some disappointing financial news that is out of our control.  We were just beginning to think about looking into adoption.  This poorly-timed news seemed to put a damper on this prospect in my worrying mind.  Then this morning I started questioning God as to why we couldn't be blessed with a child.  I stopped myself and told God that I was giving it to Him.  I honestly didn't know how that was going to work, but I was trying to set it at His feet like I said I was going to do daily if needed. 

After two hours of running around at work, I finally get to my desk to find an email from my hubby.  This is how I got the news yesterday so I was a little nervous.  But as I read the sweet words, my eyes filled with tears.  This sweet man who I get to claim as MY husband was lavishing me with words of love and gratitude for me and for our marriage.  My heart just about burst with joy!

I know that God spoke through J this morning to remind me that even though I don't have a baby to hold, that I have SO VERY MUCH to be ever-grateful for!  It starts with my hubby and our awesome marriage, but it goes beyond that.  I have a close-knit family and a few super-supportive friends.  I have in-laws who I refuse to call "in-laws" because of the bad stigma that often goes with that title.  I am so blessed to have all of these wonderful people in my life.  I don't know where I would be without all of them.  I thank my God for this beautiful reminder! 

No matter what you are waiting on or feel you are missing out on, don't forget to look around to see all the wonders that God has already given you.  Many of our blessings we take for granted without a second thought.  Take time to truly dwell on what the Lord has gifted to you.

  

Love & Hugs,

MK

Like a Light Switch...

I was talking to a friend the other day who is also struggling with how to just “get over” the fact that she will never be a mother.  I shared that I wouldn’t be as okay with this prospect as I am if it wasn’t for my faith.  Which is undoubtedly true! 

Since that conversation though, I’m being cruelly reminded of all the things I had looked forward to sharing with the daughter I’ve always dreamed of having... Teaching her how to cook and bake--especially how to make her daddy’s favorite desserts showing her the joy of doing special things for the ones you love... Going to yard sales finding awesome finds... Braiding her hair or just brushing out tangles... Reading stories to her at bedtime... the list goes on and on...

Then I get so frustrated with myself for not getting over not having any children of my own.  Why do I still have emotional days?  Why can’t I just move on and get over this?  Why can’t I just be okay with this???

Last week while sitting in Sunday School I listened to our teacher, Chuck, talk about Job 38 and he made this point: 

It is important to note that God never told Job the reason for his pain!  God never did give Job any explanation about the circumstances of his trouble.  His question to Job is simply this—Are you as eternal, great, powerful, wise and perfect as God?  No!  So you need to trust Me!!

Job had the longest recorded conversation (I guess you can call that a conversation) with God in the Bible and yet he didn’t receive an answer from God as to why he had to suffer.  Sometimes God doesn’t give us an answer to our Whys and Why Nots.     
 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

Deciding to accept the likely possibility that I will not be a mother and trust God with HIS plan for my life does NOT mean that I can turn the desire to have children off like a light switch.  It does not mean that I will not ache to know what it’s like to carry a child inside me.  It doesn’t mean that I will never have another emotional breakdown.  I am still a woman, and an emotional one at that! 

 

 

My feelings will still be there, but I choose to not let these emotions define me. 

Each morning I need to hand it back over to God.  Again.  I need to remember that this kind of an emotional day is sure to come again.  I will hand my doubts back to God and chose to not hold on to them.  That is the only way I will be able to move closer to truly trusting God. 

Love & Hugs,
MK

Mother’s Day for the 1st Time - Holley Gerth

So I'm supposed to be leaving work to get to my stepson's baseball game and instead I'm hiding out in my office with the door shut frantically dabbing at my eyes.  I just happened to read this post from Holley Gerth.  First of all I love her writing, I love her heart for God, I love her perspective and I love the gentle nudges and the kicks in the butt her words give me.  One moment I was exhaling and the next breath turned into hyperventilating sobs.  The words “You can be my adopted mom.” are what transformed my normal breathing into such a mess. 

I really don't have much to say about this.  Just take a minute to read it.  Her words are all you need to hear.  :)

http://holleygerth.com/im-celebrating-mothers-day-first-time-year/



Love & Hugs (...and a few lingering tears),
MK

Highs & Lows with my Hubby

I've been wanting to build a small greenhouse out of old windows and old glass doors or whatever glass items we could repurpose.  My hubby found a huge piece of old glass at his job last week.  I've been patiently waiting to find out if his boss cared if he took it home for us to build a greenhouse with. 

Source: http://www.bhg.com

I got this message today from my sweet hubby:

Just receiving that first message from him made my heart swell and my eyes tear up.  He is the sweetest man I know and I am truly blessed to have him as my husband.  But sometimes I get caught up in life's frustration and forget that.  As I was sitting there reading his last message, I thought to myself "why can't we always be like this?".  Just yesterday I was oober-irritated over something minuscule that he did.  I can't even remember what it was!  Almost as soon as I posed that question a small voice from somewhere within me reminded me that it's okay that we have our lows, because we don't stay there.  We always come back to a high. 

I must accept that we are human.  Put two humans together and things certainly aren't going to be perfect!  We have many perfect moments because we love each other in spite of our short-comings.  While I know that the lows are there and always will be, I know that we always have our highs too and that is what I choose to focus on!

Try Again

After our failed attempt at IVF I had begun to doubt that God had ever really given me a peace about going through with the procedure.  I was very confused and disappointed when we did not end up pregnant.  Over the past 3 months, my heart was hardening a little.  I still loved our awesome God, but I was building a wall.  Before that wall got cemented into place, God used three different things to speak to me within three days’ time.  A close friend had a message that she truly felt was from God to me and she shared that with me.  I know she was super nervous to tell me this, but she listened to the tug on her heart and she shared two words with me.  “Try Again.”  I immediately refused to believe that it meant to try IVF again, but I thought that maybe it meant try trusting God again.  I had hardened my heart to trusting God, since we were so let down in November.  This seemed like a plausible idea and I decided to pray about it.  A day later a Proverbs 31 devotional caught my eye titled “Things Have Got to Be Different This Year”.  The devotional started out with these verses:

"When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, 'Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.' Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.' When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break." Luke 5:4-6 (NIV)

This reminded me of a magnet I have on my refrigerator from a study I did a year ago.  And I thought maybe God really was telling me to trust him again... 

 

And then the very next day, I get an email from my sister starting out like this:

Was getting into the fridge last night and saw the one magnet that Jeanette had made a while back.  It says something like “But because you say so Lord, I will let down the nets again."  ...

She went on to say that when she noticed that magnet, which she hadn’t noticed in months, that she heard a voice saying:

“You need to tell MK this – she needs to trust Me again.” 

 

I then shared with her the previous days’ events and we were both smiling from deep within our hearts.  

 

I’m thankful that my faith has been stretched so that it can grow even deeper and I’m thankful for the closeness this has brought to our marriage.  From a gal who felt unloved by God just three months ago, today I am ready to start trusting Him again.  I feel important to God!  He sent me three messages.  Me!  He sent messages to ME.  Isn’t it amazing?  I’m in awe of how personal our God is.  It may take some time for the hurt to clear a little before you can see his love for you, but it’s always there and it never wavers.  From Isaiah 61:3, it mentions restoring “a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” and that is where my heart is now...praising the grace-giving & loving God that we serve! 

I have also realized how important the second word is in that message: Again.  One evening my hubby and I were walking our dog and in the middle of the road with fields on either side of us and stars sparkling above us, I broke down and cried out in frustration and overwhelming grief asking how was I to know if that peace came from God or if I somehow manufactured it on my own?!?  I am so honored and relieved that God answered my question. He heard my broken sobs.  If God is asking me to trust again, then that means I would have had to trust him a first time.  Such peace those two words from a caring friend have given me...they have spoken volumes! 

Our hearts are open to what the future holds.  I have NO clue what that may be.  But it feels so good to trust Him once again and know in my heart--not just my head--that God truly cares and loves us.