Friday, February 28, 2014

Try Again

After our failed attempt at IVF I had begun to doubt that God had ever really given me a peace about going through with the procedure.  I was very confused and disappointed when we did not end up pregnant.  Over the past 3 months, my heart was hardening a little.  I still loved our awesome God, but I was building a wall.  Before that wall got cemented into place, God used three different things to speak to me within three days’ time.  A close friend had a message that she truly felt was from God to me and she shared that with me.  I know she was super nervous to tell me this, but she listened to the tug on her heart and she shared two words with me.  “Try Again.”  I immediately refused to believe that it meant to try IVF again, but I thought that maybe it meant try trusting God again.  I had hardened my heart to trusting God, since we were so let down in November.  This seemed like a plausible idea and I decided to pray about it.  A day later a Proverbs 31 devotional caught my eye titled “Things Have Got to Be Different This Year”.  The devotional started out with these verses:

"When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, 'Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.' Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.' When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break." Luke 5:4-6 (NIV)
This reminded me of a magnet I have on my refrigerator from a study I did a year ago.  And I thought maybe God really was telling me to trust him again... 

And then the very next day, I get an email from my sister starting out like this:

Was getting into the fridge last night and saw the one magnet that Jeanette had made a while back.  It says something like But because you say so Lord, I will let down the nets again."  ...
She went on to say that when she noticed that magnet, which she hadn’t noticed in months, that she heard a voice saying:

You need to tell MK this she needs to trust Me again. 
I then shared with her the previous days’ events and we were both smiling from deep within our hearts.  
I’m thankful that my faith has been stretched so that it can grow even deeper and I’m thankful for the closeness this has brought to our marriage.  From a gal who felt unloved by God just three months ago, today I am ready to start trusting Him again.  I feel important to God!  He sent me three messages.  Me!  He sent messages to ME.  Isn’t it amazing?  I’m in awe of how personal our God is.  It may take some time for the hurt to clear a little before you can see his love for you, but it’s always there and it never wavers.  From Isaiah 61:3, it mentions restoring “a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” and that is where my heart is now...praising the grace-giving & loving God that we serve! 

I have also realized how important the second word is in that message: Again.  One evening my hubby and I were walking our dog and in the middle of the road with fields on either side of us and stars sparkling above us, I broke down and cried out in frustration and overwhelming grief asking how was I to know if that peace came from God or if I somehow manufactured it on my own?!?  I am so honored and relieved that God answered my question. He heard my broken sobs.  If God is asking me to trust again, then that means I would have had to trust him a first time.  Such peace those two words from a caring friend have given me...they have spoken volumes! 

Our hearts are open to what the future holds.  I have NO clue what that may be.  But it feels so good to trust Him once again and know in my heart--not just my head--that God truly cares and loves us.