Like a Light Switch...

I was talking to a friend the other day who is also struggling with how to just “get over” the fact that she will never be a mother.  I shared that I wouldn’t be as okay with this prospect as I am if it wasn’t for my faith.  Which is undoubtedly true! 

Since that conversation though, I’m being cruelly reminded of all the things I had looked forward to sharing with the daughter I’ve always dreamed of having... Teaching her how to cook and bake--especially how to make her daddy’s favorite desserts showing her the joy of doing special things for the ones you love... Going to yard sales finding awesome finds... Braiding her hair or just brushing out tangles... Reading stories to her at bedtime... the list goes on and on...

Then I get so frustrated with myself for not getting over not having any children of my own.  Why do I still have emotional days?  Why can’t I just move on and get over this?  Why can’t I just be okay with this???

Last week while sitting in Sunday School I listened to our teacher, Chuck, talk about Job 38 and he made this point: 

It is important to note that God never told Job the reason for his pain!  God never did give Job any explanation about the circumstances of his trouble.  His question to Job is simply this—Are you as eternal, great, powerful, wise and perfect as God?  No!  So you need to trust Me!!

Job had the longest recorded conversation (I guess you can call that a conversation) with God in the Bible and yet he didn’t receive an answer from God as to why he had to suffer.  Sometimes God doesn’t give us an answer to our Whys and Why Nots.     
 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

Deciding to accept the likely possibility that I will not be a mother and trust God with HIS plan for my life does NOT mean that I can turn the desire to have children off like a light switch.  It does not mean that I will not ache to know what it’s like to carry a child inside me.  It doesn’t mean that I will never have another emotional breakdown.  I am still a woman, and an emotional one at that! 

 

 

My feelings will still be there, but I choose to not let these emotions define me. 

Each morning I need to hand it back over to God.  Again.  I need to remember that this kind of an emotional day is sure to come again.  I will hand my doubts back to God and chose to not hold on to them.  That is the only way I will be able to move closer to truly trusting God. 

Love & Hugs,
MK

Try Again

After our failed attempt at IVF I had begun to doubt that God had ever really given me a peace about going through with the procedure.  I was very confused and disappointed when we did not end up pregnant.  Over the past 3 months, my heart was hardening a little.  I still loved our awesome God, but I was building a wall.  Before that wall got cemented into place, God used three different things to speak to me within three days’ time.  A close friend had a message that she truly felt was from God to me and she shared that with me.  I know she was super nervous to tell me this, but she listened to the tug on her heart and she shared two words with me.  “Try Again.”  I immediately refused to believe that it meant to try IVF again, but I thought that maybe it meant try trusting God again.  I had hardened my heart to trusting God, since we were so let down in November.  This seemed like a plausible idea and I decided to pray about it.  A day later a Proverbs 31 devotional caught my eye titled “Things Have Got to Be Different This Year”.  The devotional started out with these verses:

"When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, 'Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.' Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.' When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break." Luke 5:4-6 (NIV)

This reminded me of a magnet I have on my refrigerator from a study I did a year ago.  And I thought maybe God really was telling me to trust him again... 

 

And then the very next day, I get an email from my sister starting out like this:

Was getting into the fridge last night and saw the one magnet that Jeanette had made a while back.  It says something like “But because you say so Lord, I will let down the nets again."  ...

She went on to say that when she noticed that magnet, which she hadn’t noticed in months, that she heard a voice saying:

“You need to tell MK this – she needs to trust Me again.” 

 

I then shared with her the previous days’ events and we were both smiling from deep within our hearts.  

 

I’m thankful that my faith has been stretched so that it can grow even deeper and I’m thankful for the closeness this has brought to our marriage.  From a gal who felt unloved by God just three months ago, today I am ready to start trusting Him again.  I feel important to God!  He sent me three messages.  Me!  He sent messages to ME.  Isn’t it amazing?  I’m in awe of how personal our God is.  It may take some time for the hurt to clear a little before you can see his love for you, but it’s always there and it never wavers.  From Isaiah 61:3, it mentions restoring “a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” and that is where my heart is now...praising the grace-giving & loving God that we serve! 

I have also realized how important the second word is in that message: Again.  One evening my hubby and I were walking our dog and in the middle of the road with fields on either side of us and stars sparkling above us, I broke down and cried out in frustration and overwhelming grief asking how was I to know if that peace came from God or if I somehow manufactured it on my own?!?  I am so honored and relieved that God answered my question. He heard my broken sobs.  If God is asking me to trust again, then that means I would have had to trust him a first time.  Such peace those two words from a caring friend have given me...they have spoken volumes! 

Our hearts are open to what the future holds.  I have NO clue what that may be.  But it feels so good to trust Him once again and know in my heart--not just my head--that God truly cares and loves us.